After having white lab rats (not hamstrings) (bred especially for rearing as pets), it is time for (my grownup) kids to go for salamander fish (axolotl) in their aquarium (not really a pretty sight just like the lab rats however smart they may have been). We have had this conversation months ago and we are at square one on this yet again. How can the hyena be viewed vicious and the lion crowned the king of the jungle. Prejudices of many shades exist in our mindspace. One of the biting truths about pets we want on our home rug is that, most of us would like to have them for their vanity. Very few of the canines are bred for the watchdogs they are. Not many of us may be aware of the transitional journey our canines have had to undertake to grace our lives in the present, with their silky fur and satiny skin. The Pug for instance has been crossbred for over a century like any other canine so that what we have today is flat nosed, highly prone to obesity and heart disease and arthritis. The obsession to breed the perfect canine first surfaced in the American Kennel Club over a century ago. Ever since, countless canine lineages have been selectively crossbred and mixed bred that many dogs we have in modern times such as the German Shephard have very little in common with their ancestors from just a century before. The watchdogs of today have descended from the wolves of the forests, carefully domesticated and crossbred to alter their physical appearance and behaviour, to serve us as our friendly companions. The popular canine breeds such as the Cocker spaniel, Doberman, Dachshund, Golden retriever, Labrador, Lhasa etc., just to name a few, of present times have had a remarkable cosmetic makeover in last many decades. Selective crossbreeding brings with it its own share of health woes for the dogs as organs are mixed and matched, with the animal psychology or behaviour going for a toss. The new breed has to rewire the brain mapping and re-evolve. The results may always not be favourble even if aesthetically pleasing. For the pug as we see, the flat nose is the reason for serious breathing problems which in turn can put the life of the dog at risk. The Alsatian no more has the curved back but has gained pounds, all the time becoming less ferocious. A perfect manmade balance seems to have been struck here in taming the wolf to our advantage: less menacing, yet watchful and alert with a keen intelligence and sense of smell and ‘right’ canine looks. The human race’s infatuation with the purebred or the pedigree is equally harmful for the canines, as multiple congenital disorders are rampant leading to organ failures and a shorter lifespan. Human greed for pure bloodlines that are prized breeds has led to relentless (and at times commercial) inbreeding among the pedigrees that the purebreds today are not mostly immune to deadly infections. High mortality among pedigrees is a recorded fact. Whether selectively crossbred or mixed-bred or pedigree, the canines of current times have not had it easy to pamper our homes and make our lives more tolerable and easy. This is a good reason why we Indians must go for country dogs and strays among whom mixed breeding may occur naturally. We slam bodyshaming, but what have we done to man’s best friend over time. Exotic (amphibian) pets are fine if they are not intentionally harmed for breeding or when their species is not threatened with extinction . A big NO to wildlife especially the endangered as pets!
Author: veeskitchen
mission miyawaki
Someone from a club i am associated with has been instrumental in creating a small patch of what is called ‘the Miyawaki forest’ in a public park within city limits, pumping a little more oxygen into poisoned Chennai airs. That set me thinking.
Akira Miyawaki, the Japanese botanist, thought of this great idea of greening in bits and parcels wherever and whenever, creating tiny sustainable forests of native vegetation.
The Harrington road, the Spurtank Road, Shastri Bhavan road and even the Boat club as I remember from my school days are a far cry from the parched reality we have been calling our capital today. We chopped down trees in our own home. My in-laws place had at least two coconut trees, four Ashoka trees in the front and banana, mango trees and greens and flowering plants in the backyard quarter a century back. My parents surrounded their dream house with seven coconut trees, neem, mango and curry leaf trees etc. Not a trace of that green foliage exists today. Not only did we cut down the trees, we also cemented the ground so that monsoon downpour has no chance of percolating underneath the sedimentary topsoil layer, blocking any rainwater retention for ground water-table rise and moisture content. That is how good old Madras transformed into the concrete jungle we live in today as destructive transformation such as ours in every homefront changed the city for worse, polluting our waters and airs forever. Any breathing space was converted into spare bedroom without a thought.
That brings to my mind the lungs of the city our public parks and the dried up lakebeds, that metamorphed into housing colonies and private estates including lucrative professional institutions.
Green cover is shrinking at an alarming pace not only in our metro, but in entire India as the pressure on land is increasing steadily with elephant corridors and even the protected scheduled forest areas taken over for industrialization and/or urbanization. The promised afforestation is not happening. We cannot take over prime and secondary forests and then try to substitute them with tree saplings along river banks by way of compense or like an afterthought. Things simply don’t work that way. Native vegetation cannot be replaced by foreign species even if that could be teak. Teak cannot stand for neem or banyan. (By foreign, here is meant anything not local or native geographically to a particular area. In India, localization may be as specific as a district or state.)
But the little bit of greenery that caught my attention in city roads by way of kind of vertical gardening made me wonder if this is Miyawaki forest attempt as well! Other cities like Bangalore are far ahead in trying to infuse little of oxygen into atmosphere compared to Chennai, I know, but somewhere we have to have a beginning.
Terrace gardens are another big way to go green, even if that may fall far below desired level of greening. We have to remember that trees have to be replaced by trees and not with mere potted plants that do not root out and trap moisture in soil. Our city must have native neem, mango, peepal or the sacred fig, banyan and ashoka trees planted more not merely the aesthetically appealing flame-of-the-forests for street side shade.
Gardening is no more a leisure activity, it is our dire necessity. Forestry is our basic requirement today. There is an ongoing debate on commercial forests about which I am skeptical as it can encourage more prime-secondary forests falling prey to development agenda. Native vegetation also may come under threat with commercially viable alien species becoming popular choice.
I am resident of an Arab country where they are greening their arid landscapes expending millions of dollars that the city I live in middle east seems far more greener than the city I come from in India. From transplanting Amazon trees to virtual desert lands to creating fresh water lagoons from the sparse drizzle that hardly graces these parched limestone terrains, the locals and government go out of their way to ensure a little quality oxygen content in their airs, which is admirable. For this, we have to love nature first, we have to care for our environment. We have to love and respect our country first as well. We must cringe at damaging and destructing mother nature as we do in India so ruthlessly. Alas, in India, we have government and gurus who happen to think economic progress and God can be found by deforesting and industrializing, what do we do!
Let each and everyone of us at micro range create our own little Miyawaki today that at macro level we can bring in a transformation in India over a period of time. We read of inspiring stories of how individuals raise forests, sustain vegetation and preserve waterbodies even in India. It is time we do our bit to giving back to Mother Earth what we have taken from Her.
A typical Miyawaki we have already been having in Hindu temples by way of ‘stala vrksha’ – the native tree and vegetation for centuries. The concept is really not entirely new to us. All we need to do is expand from here by and large to cover more and more tracts with greenery.
Gender Neutral & Unbranded.
Recently shopping, i picked a cute dress for my newborn granddaughter. My son and daughter-in-law put down the one in pink i selected for our baby saying, they did not favour the typical pink colour associated with girls. Embroidered on the front was the word ‘princess.’ My grownup kids found it too sexist and vain to their taste. Who says blue is the colour for the boys and flowers are for girls. The clothes I observed, they went for, were kind of unisex. This was not the first time I heard on the relevance of going for gender-neutral clothes from the young couple. They tell me how the discrimination started right from a child’s infancy with pink dresses and baby dolls given to girls, and the shorts and shirts and cars being boys’. My children are also against introducing brands to kids which is why they insist, they would have to forego ‘Barbie’ doll for their daughter. It’s important that the playthings or toys would not be gender-specific. From Walt Disney to Pokemon, the young people said, they would try to keep their baby away. Instead, unbranded animations and books on wildlife and nature would be introduced. . Which is why they opted for a neutral name for their baby as well. Well, my granddaughter goes by a tree name. Her middle name is an exotic African wild animal going extinct. Her surname is a concept or way of life. There is no religious hint to the name. This way the couple who have adopted plant-based dietary habit, cut through genders, races and nationalities, saying they do not believe in borders.
Born and raised a vegetarian in India, ideas such as crossdressing and freethinking do not go down readily with me given my conservative background. It remains to be seen how successful the new parents are going to be in carrying out in principle, their kind of universal ideology.
Looks like more guys are on the block sharing the neutral perspective. However, one of my friends opinioned that even this kind of lateral thinking, and even activism which is one step ahead, can be luxuries unaffordable to masses. You have to be privileged to afford the ‘unbranding’ exercise and be choosy about consumerism.
Review: Harriet
Strongly Recommended.
This award winning Hollywood flick with Cynthia Erivo playing Harriet was on Netflix. The picture sheds light on socio-economics of America in the nineteenth century and how discontent is brewing among the black community who pine for slavery to be abolished. They leave no stone unturned to win over freedom from their slave masters and one way of going about it was to flee. Families stay united and keep track of/searching for the sold or missing members. There are underground networks who aid the fugitives in settling down when recruiting more ‘conductors’ to help rescue slaves from their miseries. Minty who later goes by her ‘free’ name Harriet Tubman is an exceptionally brave black woman who flees from her slave master in Maryland. Her flight to freedom wading through inhospitable terrain is incredulous. In Philadelphia her new home, she assumes the name of ‘Moses’ and becomes a successful ‘conductor’ directly involved with freeing dozens of slaves and ferrying them across to northern states from the dangerous south, either by road or rail or boat or even by foot as she proposes in the secretive Abolition committee (or society?) to which she is appointed. The freed slaves are to be gainfully employed in the underground railroad work. Real life story, Harriet is a very inspirational picture, a gripping watch. Period film set in eighteen hundreds, it is about the determined pursuits of the one bold woman who would not take ‘no’ for an answer. Harriet is forced to flee once more to Canada crossing borders as the Fugitive Slaves Act comes into force. As civil war ensues, Harriet leads a battalion and in the process frees hundreds of slaves as she lights up the beacon of hope for what is to come in future: abolition of slavery and freedom from slavery for the African American Blacks (called Negros in the picture).
Humanity Is Basic Decency
Equality and Social Justice are basic human decency.
My recent visit to African American Museum in Washington DC reaffirmed to me a lot of my views. Finally I know I have no ill-conceived notions on equality and social justice. Its despicable, abhorrent that some of us must even come to think they must be superior to fellow humans merely by virtue of birth. I cannot help but find parallels between racial prejudice that seems to be interwoven with the birth of modern America and the caste prejudice prevalent in Hindu India that are strikingly similar in most ways. Only, in India, the assault is more on the mind even today.
Muhammad Ali, the boxer, comes across as the most dynamic sportsperson with a mind of his own. We all grew up watching him, yet the powerful statements he made and the principles he stood for have moved me to the core. Not stopping with mere words, Ali gears up into action. He truly makes a difference. What an inspiring life!
Parts of this museum, in spite of my anticipation, bore into my soul straight. From fictions on Africa such as those of Wilbur Smith, I had precisely imagined the slave ships and the slave trade. However nothing prepared me for the graphic details and illustrations. In India we had a slightly different story. The ‘untouchables’ were sometimes asked even not to be seen. In Kerala, they had to move shouting so that they could be avoided seen from their voices. Breast taxes were imposed on women. Cremation and sanitation duties still continue to be caste-based. The brahmins, baniyas and kshatriyas prospered at the expense of the shudras and the panchamas without a conscience. Denying knowledge ran in the Hindu ranks. Knowledge reigns supreme in some communities, not because it was shared. Knowledge became a weapon to some because it was NOT shared but kept within blood lines. There has never been dignity of labour in Hindu community. There has never been a sense of service. Divinity and service to humanity are totally de-linked. Animal sacrifice seems to have been replaced by animal abuse in the abode of god and in the name of god. The temple elephants! No Vedas were prescribed to be monopolized by a single community. Scriptures from later dates connived to maintain the supposed hierarchy or social order dictated by the upper castes as the Varnaashramaa expanded aided by the Agamic temples. Psychological damage done to the lowest castes of India by the upper castes is staggering, with the former’s sense of dignity stamped upon for centuries that they lost count of their self-worth. This is very much like the captive elephant psychology. The ‘broken’ mammoth comes to believe that it cannot break the shackles of steel chain rooting it to a spot. The giant believes its place is confined and is unaware of its might. Just like the lowest castes of India believe that they belong where they should, and remain ignorant of their true potential. Genes can have a limited role in knowledge and skills. Rest can be achieved by sheer practice and training, with inculcation of good knowledge. The lowest castes of India have been at the receiving end of history quite like the coloured races of America.
Knowledge is Empowerment.
America is a far healthy and mature democracy where there is scope for debate on sensitive issues. In India, the very channels for a reasonable dialogue are shut tight that anyone who tries to pry open the sealed doors may be christened ‘anti-hindu.’ Hindu Dharma has a future if and only if the Agamic structure is dismantled or is infused with representation from every single walk of Hindu life. The way forward is for the Hindus to become an inclusive society where social justice has a chance to prosper. Caste based occupations must be turned into professional ones as a first necessary step. Why should we have to be discussing this seventy five years since our independence.
I have absolutely no regrets that some friendships have been strained because of my strong views on caste prejudice. I stand by my unshakeable opinion which received a resounding thumping at the African American Museum! I think it is not just indecent but utterly inhumane to even consider oneself superior merely by virtue of birth. Denying knowledge sharing is selfish and cowardice. That wrong sense of entitlement has to be stripped off some.
By sheer coincidence or perhaps by cookie manipulation (!) i chanced upon ‘Harriet’ in Netflix. Logging out with wet eyes. Hats off to the brave, intelligent, inspiring woman! She reminds of me of the much demure Dr Muthulakshmi Reddy, daughter of a Devdasi who was refused medical college admit for her caste. She went on to become the first woman physician in India who later founded the Cancer Institute, Adyar, Madras (Chennai), one of the first of its kind.
PCR Test, American Style !
- Drive-in PCR test for Covid 19 in the US for least contact
- PCR test FREE in the US, not chargeable. Result in one day.
- Rapid test (for antibody) for covid 19 gives result in one hour ) (not acceptable in some airlines and in some countries)
- NO DOCUMENTARY PROOF requirement for the test
Had to undergo a PCR test to fly QA from America. This is now mandated by most countries these days as we know, even if we are fully vaccinated against Covid 19. For a fact, i had taken both my Covishield (Astrazeneca) doses in India. We googled and found the nearest lab testing for covid in Chantilly, Virginia where we were staying a few days before flying. CVS pharmacy did it and we had to book a prior appointment for the test which was a drive-in one. When booking the appointment, we were asked for personal details such as names and addresses, contact no and date of birth. We immediately got an email confirming appointment and giving us a registration number. At the appointed time when we drove through the single window serving the PCR test purpose in the pharmacy, we were cross-checked for details. When things tallied, we were handed down a transparent envelop with two compartments for a self-test to our surprise. I was half-expecting a lab tech to extend a hand from the window with a cotton swab to insert into my nostril! One compartment in the envelope contained a printed leaf with our personal details. It also had another sheet of instructions as to how to do the PCR self-test with illustrations. Thirdly there was a small single slim and long paper pouch of about 10 cms perhaps containing a cotton swab stick for insertion in our nostrils. Fourth, there was a small square of a paper towel to wipe nose on finishing. The second compartment merely had a small test-tube with a stopper. It contained fluid one quarter or perhaps one half.
As per the illustration, I verified the personal details first and ensured that the entries were correct along with registration number. I wanted mine to be spelt exactly like in my passport as i had to carry the certificate for my international travel purposes. Secondly, i studied carefully the self-test method and made sure i got it exactly. Thirdly i tore open the paper pouch and took out the swab stick with one inch or so of cotton at the other end. I took care to tear the pouch where it was mentioned, which was not the cotton end. I carefully placed the swab stick into my left nostril and saw to that the cotton part was fully within my nose as instructed. I rotated the stick (which can be compared to match stick for instance, only a little longer, say about 10-12 cm approx.) clockwise and anticlockwise thrice as it was directed, touching all the inner walls. For 45 seconds i retained the swab within my nostril and then pulled out. I repeated the procedure for my right nostril next with the same cotton swab. Then I carefully opened the test tube in the envelop and deposited the stick with the swab dipping into the liquid in there. The break-off point was clearly marked in the stick so it was easy for me to break the stick nicely for the swab portion to snug-fit into the test tube. I sealed the lid tightly and returned the tube to the second compartment of the envelope. I sealed next this inner compartment first.
I sealed the envelope with both the compartments next totally. There was a drop box for us to deposit the samples. We did just that. In the information sheet and in the email was listed the lab test results website. We only had to enter our registration number to check for updates. We could download the results after twenty four hours. It was stated that the results could arrive anytime from 24 hours to 76 hours but we got ours online in 48 hours as orally indicated by the pharmacist.
For the PCR test, the pharmacy did not bill us. PCR TEST IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is FREE! yayyy In India, it costs nothing less than 2k to my knowledge.
In last six months i have given four PCR tests already for my travels. I found the one in the US most user-friendly and hassle-free. It is a great service rendered by the US government, not charging a single penny for the test. Frequent travelers have to undergo PCR every now and then. Further, the working class people may benefit immensely because of waiving of the cost/charge for the test. Truly a wonderful humanitarian service. I wish Indian government could replicate this selfless service. India citizens spend heavily on PCR tests and our labour class especially have come to bear the brunt. Even for moving from state to state, India has necessitated PCR tests. It will go a long way in helping the lower middle class if PCR tests are available free of costs at least in government hospitals in India. I am well aware of the overhead cost run, just a thought. Any free service also must not dilute the quality of our PCR tests.
Thank you America, truly a big hearted and mature nation! How many refugees find a home with you even if you are derided and misquoted on immigrants. How many from around the world come to you to realize the great American dream. I find the US most user-friendly nation in my limited experience, with everything very well streamlined and hassle-free. Life just gets that much simpler and easier.
Retirement Homes: Boon Or Bane?
This post of mine is from July 15, 2015. I am not editing it to see how my mind worked in 2015 😀
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Who wants to have her Mother-In-Law home today. I would like a break myself perhaps had I not lost my mother in an young age. May be that tempered me into hosting her – which I consider is a privilege. I am human, at times I long for privacy and she does wear me out, but at the end of the day I guess this is one cherished treasure I could be leaving behind for my son… a precious something… I remind myself, my MIL is not my MIL but my husband’s mother. I was thinking whether we parents would be happy if our son might be sending us some greenbacks from wherever he will be working/living in future. Is that what parents seek? In modern world where mostly the elderly are either pensioners or somewhat financially sound, what shall they want from their children?
The first question anyone who comes home asks me is: YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW IS WITH YOU?!
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A friend’s widowed mother recently got for herself a condominium (retirement home) at a cost of 75 lacs bucks plus annual maintenance charges running into thousands of rupees per year very much to the chagrin and disappointment of her 2 married and well-settled daughters. Whats more, the lady who is a retired govt teacher, kept her family in the dark about her intentions. That really set me thinking.
My views on old age homes are coloured by what I saw in Malaysia. Malaysia was a real learning period in my life in many ways. Upto 60 years or so the chinese there worked hard. Bought themselves a home (as primary investment) and also a condo in highlands (hill-stations) (for a second loan/secondary investment) to settle down on retirement .
One such a posh retirement village comprising some 100 luxurious condos in Camaroon highlands or somewhere got swept under landslides common in these regions. So that is when I came to know what a lifestyle the retired enjoy in peace in the sunset of their lives, in better-off circles. Later I learned this is a universal phenomenon in ‘mature’ societies like we have in the first & second worlds.
Not every elderly settlement is expensive though. There is a range of retirement homes to suit your budget you can comfortably choose from. And you may opt to live in the heart of the city or pack your bags to quiet nests under mother earth’s shadow.
A mature society boasts of a happy contented senior citizen population
The retired folks happily make the condos their home. A lesson for aging parents in India: the retirees do not leave with their children the burden of guilt. Its a wise decision taken in one’s prime years that works fine with everyone The grandparents graciously leave the centerstage and enrich the evening of their lives in the company of peers playing shuttle, going for swimming and long walks, reading in libraries and attending concerts – in harmony with nature. There is 24 hour in-house doctor on call. No wonder Malaysian chinese live upto 100 years.
Many of our chinese friends were scrupulously saving for their second home – a condo. It also helps that Malaysian cost of living is cheaper than Indian and real estate in Malaysia is not as steep as in India either. Homes are affordable – and yes, even a week-end getaway or a luxury condo. Everyone is able to pay off their first housing loans/car loans by 35-36 years, eligible for an add-on or a second loan by their 40th year.
THE GENE FACTOR – FAMILY VALUES
Whereas we Indians are Indians anywhere & everywhere. Malaysian tamils, most of them, have no connection whatsoever with mainland India. Their ancestors migrated over 150-200 years back. Some do fly down to the south (mostly to Tamil Nadu) (or whichever part of India they are from – a small percentage this is, like Punjabis & Mallus for instance) but by and large they see India only in tv and pictures and books and media.
Yet its a surprise our temples and cuisines (although murdered beyond recognition) and traditions and some typically ‘Indian’ ways of life/culture are preserved until this generation in Malaysia.
First and foremost 0ne that was most striking to me about Malaysian Indian families was their joint-family set-up. Even the MIL-SIL issue was there (to my satisfaction hahaha)! Like in India, the joint families were beginning to give up as nuclear families were already happening, yet the joint family remained intact in many homes.
Next, Indians were in the habit of hoarding real estate properties – houses typically. Indians owned maximum houses in KL, Penang, etc because when others like Malays & Chinese stopped buying with their second wanting to enjoy life, our tamil/Indian bros and sisters went on acquiring their 3rd, 4th and 5th homes & even landed estates. Rentals added to Indian homes’ pooled income naturally! (Seeing us I am told even chinese/malays are now buying more homes!) (The same is true of my Indian American friends who continue buying a string of homes in the US). Looks like this property hoarding/acquisition spree & rentals/leasing is in Indian genes Holiday or Investment: Investment ofcourse!! Why should I blame others, I am preaching onething but practising something else for sure!
Our Indian friends were cutting back on expenses and saving diligently just like we keep doing in India for our children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, etc etc. We never enjoy our lives quite, do we – atleast compared to our western counterparts. Among Indians, north Indians even there seem to spend better than us south Indians. South Indians prefer the charpoy over 4 poster kingsize mattress anyday looks like
The idea of aged parents being sent to old age homes sounded preposterous (atleast until we were around) in the south east asian country (in Indian community).
But I truly liked the condos concept. Senior citizens in developed countries, unlike our Indian seniors, looked forward to spending their twilight years in peace in condominiums, away from the clutters of routine work/family life. With 24 hour security and doctor on duty, to me the condos seemed the ultimate you cannot miss out on. Sounded fun. Even the government fixed age of retirement in India is 58 years, stretched to 60 in the private sector.
Elderly couples opting for condo was such a cute thing. In 60s, mostly we have our children well-settled. They need us no more. May be we can extend our busy years until ’70 if we are lucky. And then what to do.
A retired life sans commitment…
The happy pictures of grannies & grandpas melted my heart. Because I know, we married people hardly have time to ourselves in our younger years. The kids come along, worklife gets demanding, socializing and partying and holidaying all have a fixed time schedule/limit whereas in retirement couples may find themselves truly relishing each other’s company having fulfilled their joint responsibilities together. It is like back-to-square-1 I thought.
Many of our friends in middle east have done the Bali, the New Zealand, the Kenya, the Eurorail and others. Without kids I mean. Somehow I could never bring myself to do that. May be in future I would in the safe knowledge that my son has better company to go see places with …
Most of my local friends share my sentiment. We have similar views on sending our children to dorms/hostel in UG etc. We are reluctant to let go of our children easily …
Now that all of us girls are in the same boat, we find that our grown-up children are adults who we no longer have to wait on. Neither do our kids need us anymore except for moral/economic support. Our young and eager fledglings are flexing their wings waiting to fly out of the nests someday. To those of us with a single kid, this is like a weight placed upon our hearts. Coming to terms with reality is difficult.
Attachment & Detachment
They say in Thamizh: Petha Manam Pithu, Pillai Manam Kallu.
Better we maintain the distance with our kids right from the start keeping in mind, they are not ours forever. Just like we stopped belonging to our parents long back (and in my case from too very long back). Those of my friends with a second kid are relieved they will have a few more ‘years’ to look forward to.
I know we Indian parents are a lot more sentimental than those from other parts of the world and our emotion is our children’s greatest spoiler. One of my friends is too very attached to her only son/child studying to become a professional and it really makes me think of cautioning her. Too much of attachment, somehow I feel, is not good. Either for the boy or for the mother. All hell may break lose in the heavens with a most trivial thing like the arrival of a daughter-in-law in the scene. I have known or rather learned to keep minimum attachments with those I love most because otherwise it hurts too much.
I liked the way of life in Malaysia/other developed nations where elders gave space to the younger generation. Personally I wouldn’t want to suffocate anyone with too much of emotion. The affection is there in the heart and it will stay for this lifetime and beyond… I do cry at the drop of a hat but when it comes to my family, I try to steel myself and be prepared.
One of my friends who became a citizen of the USA took her in-laws to live with her. Her FIL passed away quietly in a nursing home in a distant state from her place after remaining a vegetable for over 2 years. Electric cremation to the 80 year old man without a sound who lived most of his life in India. I wonder about the purpose. The imposition on children, the anonymity of dying in a cold place hooked to the machines, everything.
Why not a home for the aged in India. There are many now. In last 20 years, Chennai, Coimbatore, Tanjore everywhere even within Tamil Nad we have excellent care centers and/or retirement homes for seniors. Why couldn’t my friend’s in-laws choose to live in one of them.
On one hand I agree, my friend’s husband was firm about wanting his parents to live with him in their old age. He felt it was his responsibility as a son to take care of his parents till they breathed last which is great. Yet as working professionals, the couple could not attend to the sick old man when his health deteriorated so he finally had to be admitted to a nursing home for professional care and medical attention.
My friend carries a bit of guilt burden about this when there is indeed nothing bad to feel about. The couple did their duties to the fullest. But I think this thing about our parents stays stubborn in our conscience. Despite all that they could do to the old father, the husband-wife pair blame themselves for having had to send away their papa to the care center. Through this period, my friend had to put up with her sulking angry and unreasonable mother-in-law.
In India, yes, we always have 2 extremes or perhaps more.
Where relationships bondage you…
I have always felt that developed societies treated this retirement/nursing home issue with a refinement that comes with better education and emotional maturity. Relationships are not bondages in their circles. Rather they are relaxed and enjoyable without constricting anyone.
Or may be we Indian parents expect too much from our children because we give our children our lives like none other. Ours is one supreme sacrifice. From the moment a child is born he/she becomes the epicenter of the parents world. There is no such a thing as twosome in Indian families. Its always 3some or 4some (in case of 2 kids) (rare to see over 2 kids in India except in muslim families where 3 is minimum). Where is the privacy between husband and wife. Children become our life. Children become our obsession. And then finally no wonder it gets all the more difficult for us to share our kids with their life partners. Parents start to look like the villains over a stage. Why cannot Indian parents ever learn to quit the scene quietly. I am also a parent – I am willing to give but expect to receive nothing in return. Where there is no expectation, how can there be any disappointment.
Interestingly I learned this lesson from my own MIL. At 77, she is a grand mother and mother of 5 successful kids. All her male children are working professionals good in their fields and the only daughter is married to a professional as well. All her grand kids are budding professionals as well and show promise of a great future. Yet I see her simplicity and broad mindedness in not taking anything for granted. And something much more none of us can resist: not taking credit for her children’s success. You have to be real generous to do that. Born with silver spoon, she travels by auto (rickshaw) just like me without a murmur, never claims any personal victory and has never boasted to any of us how successful she is in her life. Her sons and daughter have come to respect her and love her not fear her. Sometimes I think this is a reason even for her good health (touchwood).
Not getting too very involved in the children’s life is something only level-headed Indian parents can manage I guess. My MIL has such a maturity – to live with us in a joint family yet retain individuality without trampling on our privacy and independence at the same time. I really appreciate that and wish I could emulate her example in future. Any may be this is why I am having her with me.
Irony is, it is those who do not want their in-laws/parents with them today are the ones who cannot let go off their kids ever. Those who live in joint families on the other hand are mentally better prepared. In my observation.
PRIVACY, What? Excuse me, we are Indians!
But even with my MIL I remember when my FIL was around, they hardly spent any time together. Their lives went around their grandchildren in the second innings of their lives. When my FIL was there, I have asked them why they could not go on all-India tour or pilgrimage or just on a simple holiday as a couple. Not even beach or kutchery (music concerts)? But to my amazement, they lacked that kind of interest to step out anywhere as an elderly pair who had accomplished their domestic responsibilities to satisfaction. It always made me wonder whether aged couple wanting a moment of privacy is indecent or selfish or whatever. Is it unnatural?
Today when I see my MIL watching alone the tv soaps, I urge her to go to temples/kutcheries again but she is very disinterested. She gives me space but still is the queen bee of the family. While I respect it I also have this to say: the COMPLETE detachment I saw in Malaysian elderly is absent in not only my MIL but in all septuagenarians or octogenarians of India. Despite the space they allow us that is. Wanting to stay in-charge, never to be side-lined is a privilege that no Indian Mother-in-law seems to relinquish willingly. Or may be I am hoping for too much!
It is good for us in a way. We want her in a condo neither. We like her with us. But my MIL is lucky to have 4 sons/families staying in the city. (Its never the daughter’s responsibility believe me). How many of us could prove to be fortunate like her?
Old-age home is not a bad or cruel idea at all. For some its a dire necessity like for those whose kids are NRIs. For the destitute, there are homes supported by charity. One such is ‘Vishranthi’ – first of its kind to be founded in Chennai.
There are 2 sides to any coin: abusive in-laws/parents versus cruel daughters-in-law/sons-daughters. This underlying fact could be the governing principle when it comes to many choosing between joint and nuclear families.
What is an Old Age Home like? Atleast one run on charity?
A good friend of mine put in a strange request to me last week. She lives in a neighbouring state. Hers is a ‘rags to riches’ story. She has this habit of calling her high school teacher every Teachers’ Day, i.e., on September 5th. (My friend joined our school for the higher secondary course after completing high school in a different institution). Born in a very poor and large family, today she has achieved a remarkable and enviable status in her personal and professional life. Says she, the hope instilled in her by her teacher in high school days is the reason for what she is today.
My friend had called her teacher as usual this Teachers’ Day but found that the phone line was cut. The old fashioned teacher hardly used a cell phone or gave her numbers to others. My distraught friend therefore called me in great anxiety wanting to know what happened to the old teacher who was in her ’80s and lived by herself.
I made some enquiries in her old dwelling place and learned that the senior teacher had moved to an old age home run by the school she served for over 30 years zealously. She had been taken ill and therefore decided to take up the offer by the institution.
Blessed with well-to-do brothers & sisters and happy families, the lady had refused offer of shelter from everyone of her kith & kin to make her old school old age home for women her final residence. The school is unique in that it supports destitute women in a wing from a charity trust.
For my friend’s sake I stepped into the home for the aged for the first time in my life. It smelled of antiseptic right from the reception giving me a sick feeling. I met the grand old teacher in a first floor compact suite with a small built-in kitchenette she hardly used. Bathrooms were shared or attached in bigger rooms. A small tv plugged into the wall was running noiseless pictures.
The lady told me she felt comfortable in the home that she had been living in for over 6 months. She opted for common kitchen food served in the dining. Or sometimes she ordered food to her room. Almost all residents were 75 plus she said and a majority were retired teachers like her without family support. Some among them were infirm. The teacher herself had been a child bride in those days widowed in her teens without issue. She got her education on her widowhood and was allowed to work as a teacher by her family. She taught high school kids.
Talking to her for over 1 hour I was disarmed by her sense of peace and acceptance of her last days (she is fine now). She said she wanted to pass away in her school grounds – in familiar surroundings – that gave a meaning to her otherwise barren life. Her relatives came to see her on fortnightly visits.
She ate sparsely, she spent her time reading scriptures rather than watching tv but said her eyes were beginning to get weak. I told her about my mom and my aunt and the connection was instantaneous. Here was one woman who had also devoted her life to teaching.
I had gotten her some wholewheat crackers that she accepted. I called my friend from her room and both had a hearty talk. My friend was delighted and grateful that I tracked down her ageing miss. For me it was an utmost satisfying day. The visit to the old age home, the meeting with a senior citizen- a retired teacher who devoted her life to selfless service, seemed to subdue me with a kind of strange emotions. I felt I was at rare peace with myself. At that moment I knew I did good having my MIL. Today my deep anxiety is about what shall happen to her if I have to move with my husband in his workplace?
Finally saying good bye and walking through the school grounds, I looked back at the home for the aged, tucked behind the trees, almost invisible from the rest of the buildings. There wasn’t a clue there were about 2 dozen aged and sick awaiting their turn in those gray blocks. Some got visitors but not all.
Retirement/Old Age Home – A conscious choice?
I never thought visiting an aged home would depress me that much. It did. I wondered whether all my previous ‘learned’ thinking on retirement homes/condos was like a mirage – unrealistic. Cold. Heartless. Could a home for the aged be so much lonely, miserable and bleak. But I got the distinct feeling with the teacher’s although she never admitted to me she found it depressing.
Or may be it is a figment of my imagination. One more reason I thought could be that, the home was managed by a charitable trust with limited funds. May be the wealthier ones like my friend’s mother got herself were better?
They were for a fact so far as I knew. Because once in OMR, the IT highway, we were looking for some real estate. We chanced upon a property that was already developed into a retirement home. It wasn’t quite the luxurious condo but adapted to Indian lifestyle conditions. There was a temple inside, bhajan halls, tennis court, walking tracks, gardens, dining halls and individual apartments & security and a medical clinic. Guess it was some 15 years back. Now the place is sold out and the brand name has earned a high respect among senior citizens.
I thought the cluster of retirement homes was far better than the gated-community/enclave. In old age, the homes gave privacy not seclusion to its occupants. Safety and medical help were at arm’s reach.
Now I come to learn there are over a dozen in and around the city serving the grand old at various budgets. You may choose the facilities and opt for one as per your finance status.
Age with Dignity
One gracious deed of the MMS/Congress govt was facilitating REVERSE MORTGAGE for senior citizens of the nation that helps preserve their sense of independence.
This is a good reason for the elderly not to nurture misgivings about imposing on their ‘reluctant’ children and/or for their adult-children in the event of weighing supporting their ageing parents (under trying financial conditions). I wonder what makes some of us think we are doing our parents/in-laws any favour. Rather are we not duty-bound the way they were when they raised us. The retirees can make a choice as to how to live the rest of their days in dignity. The fate of economically unsound/dependent retired lot is awfully miserable to imagine.
Despite my reasoning & logic, I would still like to dispense my responsibilities to the elderly within the comforts of our own home (thankless as they could be) – which alone can save me from a terrible guilty conscience. May be its a personal decision for each & every one of us. I discovered I did not care whether the ageing Indian parents preferred spending rest of their lives in condos or not. Unless the circumstances are compelling, I hope no senior citizen in this country feels neglected or ignored and thereby needs to exercise the option – even if that could amount to taking our elderly for granted. Retirement/Old Age home is conceptually good, undeniable. Still let us allow our grandchildren the luxury of basking in grandparental love & spoiling pampering which is something we can never hope to substitute with.
Finally son(s), a mother is not after your cheque. A mother wants to see your face first.
Retail Therapy
Must have returned from the US emptyhanded (without shopping that is) but the kids drove me the last moment to a mall making sure I shopped at least a little that they thought was necessary to make our trip complete.
Otherwise the last time i shopped for clothes was in Coimbatore in mid April. A good six months back almost, a record for me. A token sweater from Mango sale here in Doha as winter approaches is the only exception apart from personal care products from Body Shop. I missed the pre-US tour shopping deliberately and did not go for a facial in a salon that I normally do before a foreign trip. Was about to complete the tour without a serious buy but then ended up spending up around 100$ – not bad still. Even then the urge to shop was absent. A severe aversion has set in, but then the kids prevailed. More than them my hubby wanted to ensure that I got something otherwise he said I would be taunting him for a 100 years that he did not allow me to shop in the US!
The point is, the first time I went to the US (in 2017-18), every other day we went shopping. I got myself lots of clothes and bags i hardly needed. From 2015 I guess i have been on a splurge – a spending spree, literally a freefall. That was when my only son left for abroad for higher studies. As I alternated between India and Doha, my guess is that psychologically I was filling a vacuum with more clothes, bags, shoes and jewelry : material possessions as substitutes for physical presence of my beloved that I presumed could make me happy.
I opted for a designer for my clothes, went for branded bags like i never did in the past. I do go for brands now for personal care products. For clothes too these days I have come to look for brands. All this development has been there only since 2015. With despair I thought I was getting into a pattern I normally detested. My shopping sprees meanwhile were also going online at the same time.
The shopping peaked surprisingly in the pandemic time for me as a friend mocked that I was the only one shopping left and right even in critical times. I laughed it off but realized that it was very easy for me to take the bait if someone interested me in shopping for clothes. I fell without resistance over half a dozen times spending too much than the occasion warranted. A celebration at home and festive season gave me more reasons to shop than necessary. Afterwards, I would be plagued by the familiar guilty feeling ending up hating myself for succumbing to temptations and spending lavishly the hardearned money of my hubby that I did not earn for myself. Of course I was still spending within limits, but I was shopping nonstop for more and more clothes and accessories that my wardrobes seemed to be splitting at seams. I had to in fact make new ones to store more clothes and bags for this reason last year. I seemed to want every new blockprint on the forefront of fashion, i wanted the matching bag. I wanted the right jean and I wanted the perfect jewelry. What was I trying to prove to the world?
All this changed with a simple little bundle of joy that arrived in our family in June. With the arrival of my granddaughter, I have totally lost my interest for shopping anything for myself as a feeling of completeness swells within me that I cannot put into words. Precisely about this time, I started reading on decluttering and minimalism. Although I was initially angered by the preaching, I decided that I needed the daily dose of reminder. I don’t think anyone needs sermons on anything in life, but reading repeatedly on the importance of decluttering and minimalism is having a gradual effect in my psyche. I can’t say that i am immune to these articles anymore that over a period can have a life changing effect in us. The combined effect of the sense of fulfillment in life along with well timed reading on decluttering and minimalism may be reason for the way I am changing, probably for the better.
The few months my son and my daughter-in-law spent in Chennai along with me also could be a reason for my changed heart. They lived in a leased apartment where they used my saved crockeries, cutleries etc., breaking some (!) that gave me an indescribable satisfaction that things were finally used and not merely were stashed for guests. That utility value of things somehow had a catalytic effect on me as I realized, things rusting without usage are of no use collecting or saving (for a future date).
Now I am more into using the things I have accumulated over years. Even in Doha, the clothes in my supposed secondary wardrobe (primary being the one in Chennai) can last me easily over five years to say the least. My fridge too is overflowing. I still ended up going for three tee shirts and a bag in the US but it is ok. Nobody in my family seems to be happy if I don’t get anything for myself. So got them mostly to make my folks happy. They can’t believe the new me 😀
Meanwhile, I shall keep using the clothes and things i have saved here (the list of what I have given up both in Doha and Chennai itself can be very impressive) (periodically also gave up so, many, many clothes and accessories to charities in good condition only). I think i don’t need all this stuff now: just my darling granddaughter will do. She has replaced everything else in my life i thought was valuable and worth collecting. How such a little life thousands of miles away from me across the oceans can have this effect on me is surprising.
For the family i got coffee-mates as we are great coffee lovers, and I thought we could do with nondairy creamer that is not good quality in dairy-fixated India. For friends some fridge magnets. For colleagues, my hubby got chocolates. Surprisingly even my hubby didn’t shop, I think he is going through the same emotions as me. He is very brand conscious. Last visit, he bet me or probably matched me in shopping! This year he has not shopped at all for himself but did for his darling granddaughter. Now getting that rattles and baby clothes seem more precious and important to both of us. Gone is the craze for branded stuff. We both were basically like this, but the intermittent years somehow changed us from our natural ways.
I now have this to say about Retail Therapy: most of us seek this as kind of fulfillment for something that we may be lacking. The temporary spike in our adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine thanks to shopping enthuses us that we feel revitalized and a sense of purpose. I can’t see any other reason for normal men and women to shop (within limits) more than necessary. Any excesses over limits must have a far damaging reason psychological mostly that may have to be clinically treated.
Finally over the peak, that is how I see myself. At the same time, i would not want to deny myself anything good. Abstinence by itself can sometimes trigger a craving. In future I will shop but my shopping shall be entirely need-based. I would not want to forego best things in life. I will first utilize optimally whatever I own already. Such a usage is self-satisfying seeing that you are putting to good use the money you invested in something.
I guess we all will have to reach this point of satiation by ourselves. There is no particular defining moment. Each much peak as per his/her own sense of fulfillment. Retail Therapy can be harmless if we are bound by limits. But I have known how addictive this can get and how guilty we can feel after every shopping bout.
With pleasure I have to record here that all my clothes that I used in my tour recently are old and used already, nothing being new. Feeling complete in every way. Not grooming specially for the trip is another new for me that I intend to follow up with.
How I managed this six month period of de-addiction from shopping:
- i unfollowed business pages mostly especially those of clothing, jewelry, bag etc. their updates and posts are most tempting
- hardly one or two art/business pages i follow these days online that do not require me to shop for anything
- online shopping thus finally almost came to an end for me. there were years when i would book stuff online from Qatar and get them delivered to my sister’s place in India for collection later!
- i do have a credit card here in Doha but i hardly use it.
- i don’t save anymore my clothes for occasions. here for even grocery shopping in Doha nowadays, i go in my best. i decided to live it up.
- i am also now not in company of friends who will worsen my condition 😀 some of my friends happen to be worst shopping addicts than me and that used to compound my shopping problem 😀 we spoilt each other lol
- i have a friend now who continuously discourages me from shopping, like she says when i try to pick up a tee shirt, ‘no dear, it looks lousy on you!!!’ and that’s all i need to hear! i love going out with this friend now because she is like a party pooper, neither will she shop nor will she let me spend!!!
- i guess i have the responsibility to set an example to the kids. by restraining, i can show them that it is important to live with what we have and find satisfaction from that.
- my husband and I constantly discourage each other from shopping these days. i can say, now frugal spending is one of our couple-goals!
- its not about saving pennies really. its more about living with a principle.
- the joy of giving is not unknown to me. basically i derive more happiness from giving. even through my spending sprees i haven’t forgotten that.
- i took cue from a few friends who are doing great but who tend to live it down, not leading flashy lives. their hugely successful yet down-to-earth stories opened my eyes as to what is really important in life. i can still hire an auto and live in a small two or three bedroom flat and that will just NOT define me in any way. take me the way i am or leave it.
Ageing With Dignity
Often it is possible to mistakenly assess dignity with one’s clothes. Or limit the definition of dignity to mere superficiality that is skin deep. Can there be a more dignified picture than that of our Bapu in his loin clothes walking his way to a meeting with Churchill.
Dignity must have lot more to do with than the mere external sheathe we climb out of when within four walls? Dignity has got to do with what we are when we can go invisible. In a way, our original self has a knack of manifesting itself in the image we present to the outer world, even if we try not to give up much. Dignity lies in how we conduct ourselves with every group, in all stages and phases. How about dignity that is derived out of solid character. Dignity from having built an unmistakable reputation. Dignity from spinning something worthwhile out of our life. In Thamizh we have a proverb that goes as ‘கெட்டாலும் மேன்மக்கள் மேன்மக்களே, சங்கு சுட்டாலும் வெண்மை தரும்’. To me, that sums up dignity in entirety. So dignity is how malleable you are under duress, under pressing stress. How flexible you are. How catalytic you are under trying circumstances. How much you can facilitate a smooth maneuver in rough tidings.
In other words, dignity is embracing your life for what it throws at you. When life gives you lemon, how many choose to make a lemonade.
Often we have armchair intellectuals who have not stepped out of their comfort zones delivering sermons from their high pedestals on abstract human qualities that can be explained only in relative terms. Unless we are on all our fours at least at any one point of time in life, at the mercy of third parties, with our dignity at stake, with doors closing on us from every side, there is no way we can come to decipher what dignity is all about.
A pole dancer can live her life with dignity. Is dignity only about understated elegance bought off at an astronomical price.
Perceptions differ. I wonder when those in their supposed high moral grounds would stop judging.
Ageing with dignity can have totally a different perspective having nothing to do with our attire bordering on nostalgy. How about mellowing with experience, exposure, travel, scars, tolerance, forbearance, forgiving and broadmindedness greying us a shade darker. Or is it silver. A life lived well collecting memories is far more dignified than a life collecting material possessions. How can a sedan or designer jewelry come to define someone? Let us not allow a hairdye undermine the life we lived out. Our attitude towards life, how we carry ourselves past extraordinary circumstances define our dignity. A life battled for and won over has a lot more dignity than a smooth sailing not far from safe harbour.
Spirituality is Empathy, Religiosity without empathy is an Empty shell.
Friendships and relationships can survive only if the parties are on equal footing. By equality, I am not referring to material well being. The sense of equality and justice has to be in the mind. The wrong sense of entitlement some nurture harms friendships how much ever back by years that may go. The gods must be equal, the rights and birth privileges must be equal, the trust has to be mutual and matched. Simply nobody is born with a silver spoon. May be some unjustly have had a headstart but the remorse or repentance in the bargain in current times can go a long way in correcting the imbalance in holistic ways. The historical injustice first has to be acknowledged for if social justice has any hope at all. I can’t think of spirituality without the embedded element of empathy in it. Any thing removed from it can be mere religiosity that can have nothing to do with enlightenment. Fellow Hindus seem to have reduced everything to jargons like Advaita, Vaishnavism, Mantra, Tantra, Yantra etc. The raw and basic truth is that, a Vettiyan or a cremation ground worker needs none of this or has no use to any of these for his afterlife. As simple as that. I wonder how and when some numbskulls will get it into their heads. Plus if you chestbeat that you have access to Veda and Upanishad by privilege of your birth, you have to factor in that this was achieved by suppressing sections of humanity from progress by your forefathers. This genetic advantage garnered over centuries did not come free. It cost millions of Hindus their DIGNITY. Never can I dismiss the thought from my mind that prevents me from embracing all that these so-called wise-asses seem to lecture on Dharma. I am far removed from the philosophical ways of these smart-asses who ‘know all’ seemingly. Well, I don’t have to know anything at all. Over the rituals, I am a seeker, becoming more of a seeker, who wouldn’t even have to become a monk or saint for self realization. I can just nurture my sense of empathy, lend a sympathetic ear, identify with others pains, acknowledge others disadvantages because some stood to gain at every front, understand their anguish and rage at the injustice. I find my peace in hugging their sense of loss bred over generations as they watched others march past them. Any talk on Hindu renaissance has to aim at stemming the rot from within. The cancer is in the mind when you pit yourself above a section of humanity and self congratulate yourself for what you stood to gain. No Hindu group or study is willing to give a consideration to the question of equality and social justice in the first place. I would request anyone to place themselves as a vettiyan’s son confined to a hut with mud walls within the cremation ground tending to burning bodies not for an year or a century but for a continuous two millennium. Well, it is for instance at the cost of the man’s dignity that you are where you are. Stop lecturing if you cannot empathize with fellow humans especially if you are from the creamy section who have contributed to the miseries of mankind directly. In no other part of the world or in no other religion is a burial grounds person in his profession by birth like we have in Hinduism. Where is mention of service in Hindu Dharma. We have had to wait for the Christians to teach us what humanity is and how through service we can seek spirituality. Which Hindu seer impressed upon anyone to serve humanity. Where in the Vedas is stress laid on service to humanity. We have our flaws and we need the correction. Not even reservations can give back the dignity these people were denied. Who knows whether there is a nether world. Making the world we live in today a happy place for everyone is all divinity about. If you cannot do it, don’t resort to damaging humanity even further. My heart goes out to all of human race who have been vanquished, suppressed, downtrodden and stripped of their sense of dignity, denied their equal social justice. My heart goes out to the wild life of the world and even domesticated pets some of which had to be genetically mutated for vanity to pander to man’s whims. The kind of world and the kind of faith I envision can never match up most of my friends. To me their hollowness of rituality is disappointing. I think we all pursue our own paths after a point. Mine is not the same as most Hindus I know or i am friends with or related to.
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